Our culture seems to teach us that it is okay jump in and disagree when someone gets his facts wrong. It seems common to interrupt to tell the speaker something like “It wasn’t Thursday, it was Wednesday. When we are distracted by correcting a speaker’s fact, we are missing his point. As a result, trust is broken and the relationship gets strained.
Sometimes people act like adversaries as they disagree about someone else’s beliefs. During political discussions, commentators from opposing political beliefs often interrupt and make demeaning comments to each other like, “You are totally wrong about that.” Some TV listeners seem to thrive on these moments.
They enjoy the battle between the gladiators in the ring. They may be the same folks who love professional wrestling where choreographed violence draws big cheers from those in the stands who are looking for a winner and a loser.
If you simply want to get the facts straight consider this: Once two people begin disagreeing with each other, they can get stuck in the argument for hours, or days. As they argue they become more general and more adamant. Soon they are helplessly exaggerating their views to prevent wimping out and looking weak.
The alternative approach can be very appealing If the other person speaks first, let him or her be the speaker. Listen helpfully, mirroring back what you are hearing. Don’t get sucked in to the truth or falseness of their facts or opinions. Assume that when they know you are listening respectfully they will soften some of their extreme views or add some empathetic words anticipating your point of view. Rather than disagree with the speaker, consider becoming curious about their ideas and how they have reached their conclusions. By asking good questions, you can avoid arguing and build rapport.
If you are an effective listener, you can help your friends, co-workers and family members express their facts, feeling and point quickly. When they feel complete, they will pause. When they have paused, it may help to summarize what you have heard and then, appreciatively, say one thing that you like about what they have said. Then consider whether to express your views right away or at a later time.
I would like to hear your views.
Leslie
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