Holiday time brings us together for good cheer with co-workers, friends and family. Perhaps one or two of them have been unkind to you recently, or a long time ago. Even if you are sure the problem is their fault, would it be tempting to forgive even one of them for what they have said or done?

Forgiving them can help you let go of the burden of blaming them and looking for their other faults. If you succeed in forgiving them, you can stop being defensive, sarcastic or evasive when you are with them. And you can stop criticizing them in person and when you are with others.

Is there someone you would be tempted to forgive? Do you believe that, “To err is human and to forgive is divine”? And how would you forgive them? Would you consider asking someone to sit down for coffee and a short talk? If you do, would you talk about your thoughts and feelings and avoid telling them about what you think they did wrong? Talking helpfully can include words like, “I feel.... and I have been thinking... and I would like it if we...”

If the two of you agree, it can helpful for up to have your say while the other listens. It is valuable to pause often to let the listener absorb what he is hearing. At best, he will repeat back some of what you are saying and ask questions that will clarify your ideas. When you are speaking, focus on the behaviour you find offensive and not on judgements, labels, hurtful comments or statements of what you don’t want in the future.

At any time, if the listener can’t keep listening to you, then become the listener for them. When you are listening, it is important to avoid the temptation to disagree with the speaker’s view of the facts. Assume that any two people will always have two ways of interpreting the facts. What is important is to hear each other out, find common ground and accept your differences. When you each feel heard and understood, it is easier to forgive.

Visualizing can help you to be forgiving. Many find it helpful to forgive someone by visualizing others in a white light or visualizing apologizing for your part in creating the conflict. As you visualize, you can adjust what you would like to say and what you would like someone to respond. Even if you never tell him or her what you have visualized, you can use this technique to release the emotional burden of carrying these bad memories. Personally, I like to end my visualizations with affirmations. I like words like, “I am a good person.... I like myself as I am.... I open myself to love and kindness... I forgive myself and I forgive others....”

One more way to forgive comes to mind. Many years ago, I was at the end of a relationship, and both of us were blaming the other about why our relationship was ending. A few days after we broke up, I pictured her in a positive light and thought, “I wish you well.” And I felt resolved and at peace.

How have you dealt with forgiving?
Please write if you decide to forgive someone and let me know what happens.

Best wishes for a happy and healthy New Year.

Leslie