What’s your communication style? When it comes to being critical, do you often avoid criticizing others to avoid hurting their feelings? Or, when you are upset, do you criticize others, to make them feel bad too? Critical comments include, “You are always late… You never clean up your mess… Do you know how that makes me feel?”

If you are dissatisfied with your current style, there are alternative things to say that you might try. Consider any of the following: “I am feeling angry… I want to regain my trust with you… I would like 2 minutes to tell you what’s on my mind… Are you willing to listen?”

If they say “No,” they may be testing you and unsure of whether to continue the conversation. At times like this, you can continue by saying, “I am guessing that you are cautious about being criticized.” As they respond, you can listen actively to them until they are finished.

When they have finished making their point, it can be helpful to summarize what you have heard. Then you can say, “What you are saying makes sense… One thing I like about what you have just said is ... Is there more that you want to tell me?” If they have no more to add, it is often best to take a break before taking a turn as the speaker. This middle step prepares them to listen well when you speak and, since you have not blamed for your upset, they may become more receptive to resolving the issue.

When the time is right, you can ask them if they are willing to listen to you, and, if they say ‘yes’, consider beginning by ‘framing’ what you want to say.

Examples of framing include, “I will be brief and to the point. I need your help. I have been so upset that I have been awkward when we are together. I see my part in this situation. My focus is to regain trust with you.” After framing what you want to talk about, it helps to pause and let them reply. If they show that they are receptive to listening to you, then you can continue talking.

At any point, if they interrupt or disagree listening to you, your best choice is to listen again to them. If you put aside, temporarily, your desire to explain your point of view, you can focus on understanding them, finding common ground and working together to improve the situation.

You might assume that both of you have contributed to the tension. In every conversation there will be two different realities about the facts. And at any one moment, every important conversation needs one active listener and one speaker.

If they are willing to listen to you, be brief when you speak. Although it may feel awkward, you will keep their attention by starting with what you feel and then stating your point. Then pause for a response before you get into any of your facts and opinions. Feeling statements can be expressed in three words, “I feel ....” Feelings are about emotions, like mad, glad and sad. “I feel we should try harder,” is not a feeling. After each brief comment you make, pausing gives them time to reply. This keeps others involved and receptive.

To keep listeners involved, you might include questions like, “Does what I am saying make sense?” Most people have a short attention span when they are listening. As well, they can be easily hooked and upset by something you say. When you keep focussed on your point, you are less likely to get distracted by some detail or some emotion.

When individuals reduce their fear of being criticized or blamed, they will be able to listen to you. In this way, anger, misunderstandings and bad feelings can be resolved.

As my friend Jack used to say, “If what you are doing now isn’t working, try something new.” And if you do, please write to let me know what happened.

Leslie