Looking ahead: Imagine living your life feeling happy and energized and loving what you do. You have become more sensitive to the needs of others while taking care of your own. You are productive without feeling rushed or imposed on by others. You are living with a strong sense of justice and you are willing to get involved to improve a situation. You are making lifestyle choices that help you to reach your potential and you aren’t overwhelmed by obstacles along the way. In the 1960s, psychologist, Dr. Abraham Maslow was interviewing happy and productive people. He called them self-actualizing individuals. Maslow, and Dr. Everett Shostrom, discovered that the two central qualities shared by these self-actualizing individuals were they were inner-directed and time competent ; These individuals, coming from every walk of life, trusted their intuition and they accomplished a lot by using time well. Maslow outlined the stages of becoming self-actualized. He included early childhood when children were focused on personal safety and stability. Later in life, he said, those who had become more self-actualized, were interested in truth and beauty and living in ways that were in harmony with their needs and talents. Self-actualizing individuals, he found, were authentic, spontaneous, consistently making good choices, loving and able to overcome fears. For my Master’s thesis, I was interested in how emotional involvement in learning experiences accelerates self-actualization. Throughout my career, I have continued my interest by teaching personal skills in enjoyable and interactive seminars. My seminars teach self-awareness, positive thinking, empathy, humour and effective communicating. Many seminar participants, who have talked with me after they had attended one of my seminars, tell me that they have become more assertive, more self-accepting and more satisfied in their lives. Often at humanistic psychology conferences, I have been inspired by personally evolved, self-actualizing individuals. They typically are generous and giving freely about what they have learned about making life more fulfilling. Consistently, these individuals are happy, articulate and making a positive difference in the world through their actions. By attending their talks, I realized, that regardless of their topic, I was very moved just being in the presence of individuals who seemed caring and wise. There are many pathways to self-actualization and there are many scary moments in life that can stall our progress. When we are afraid, it is hard to trust that we will find an assertive and lovable self when we search inside. When we are afraid, it is harder to trust others and it is often easier to put on an aggressive, timid or detached mask when dealing with others. Developing our personal skills can help each of us to handle fear and hardship. By learning communication skills, we can become more confident and effective with others. By learning focused relaxation, we can quiet distracting thoughts and feelings and become more centered and energetic. By learning to add more humour to our conversations, we can become happier and more insightful. One person who has become a teacher and a role model, through many years of study and meditation, is a former Harvard psychology professor Dr. Richard Alpert. Using his adopted name Ram Dass, he writes in his book Journey of Awakening, “I no longer feel that one part of me is fighting another… More of the time, the moment is permeated with space, peace, equanimity, joy and lightness.” If life is about facing challenges and learning lessons, what improved skills do you need and how will you keep getting wiser and more fulfilled?
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Is this communication style helpful? Think of a married couple, where one spouse says “How many times do I have to tell you, I don’t like it when you leave your dirty socks in the living room.” Talking this way does not change his or her behaviour. Saying what one does not like, does not spell out the benefits of changing the offending behaviour and it leaves the complaining spouse open to being called a nag.
Why do others say and do things that they know will annoy you? Sometimes it is hard to change personal habits Sometimes it is part of pushing back when they feel pushed. Sometimes, they say things that will annoy you because the only consequence is that you whine for two minutes and they enjoy getting something off their chest. So what is their motivation to change?
Every Sunday morning before leaving the house. my mother used to whine at my father to hurry up or they would be late. One day I asked her if she would like to try saying something more effective. She replied that it was his fault for the problem and so it was not up to her to change.
It may be hard to get someone to change but if you are curious enough to try, you might find you feel better saying what you do want rather than what you don’t want.
Of course, if you are already getting the response that you want, don’t change. Keep doing what works.
I would be pleased to hear from you.
Leslie
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At one point, I had something I wanted to say and I certainly did not want one of those two individuals to respond to me in their familiar way. So I began by framing what I had to say in order to achieve a positive end.
I began, “I have something I want to say that is very important to me. I promise to be very brief and when I am finished all I ask is that whoever responds first says one thing that they like about what I have said.” Everyone burst out laughing. They knew what I was doing. Then I spoke briefly, made my point and paused. Everyone laughed again. The first person that responded started with, “Leslie, one thing that I like about what you have just said is...” And I was satisfied.
Throughout the rest of the training the two participants refrained from responding to others by disagreeing. I never asked and they never told me what they had learned from that moment. I assume that everyone prefers to be positive and helpful. Especially under stress or when someone is trying to get some attention, he or she will sometimes use arguing or disagreeing to get involved in the conversation.
Some people are more competitive than others. They play the “I win, you lose” game. I, however, am committed to ‘win-win’, speaking and listening so that each person involved in the conversation feels better afterwards. One example of making a win-win statement includes, “If you do ... then I would be pleased to... “or “You are saying that you want ... and I would like... How can we make this happen?”
If you are curious about whether framing and win-win conversations will work for you, why not give them a try?
I would love to hear from you.
Leslie
www.leslieroseseminars.com
]]>What’s your communication style? When it comes to being critical, do you often avoid criticizing others to avoid hurting their feelings? Or, when you are upset, do you criticize others, to make them feel bad too? Critical comments include, “You are always late… You never clean up your mess… Do you know how that makes me feel?”
If you are dissatisfied with your current style, there are alternative things to say that you might try. Consider any of the following: “I am feeling angry… I want to regain my trust with you… I would like 2 minutes to tell you what’s on my mind… Are you willing to listen?”
If they say “No,” they may be testing you and unsure of whether to continue the conversation. At times like this, you can continue by saying, “I am guessing that you are cautious about being criticized.” As they respond, you can listen actively to them until they are finished.
When they have finished making their point, it can be helpful to summarize what you have heard. Then you can say, “What you are saying makes sense… One thing I like about what you have just said is ... Is there more that you want to tell me?” If they have no more to add, it is often best to take a break before taking a turn as the speaker. This middle step prepares them to listen well when you speak and, since you have not blamed for your upset, they may become more receptive to resolving the issue.
When the time is right, you can ask them if they are willing to listen to you, and, if they say ‘yes’, consider beginning by ‘framing’ what you want to say.
Examples of framing include, “I will be brief and to the point. I need your help. I have been so upset that I have been awkward when we are together. I see my part in this situation. My focus is to regain trust with you.” After framing what you want to talk about, it helps to pause and let them reply. If they show that they are receptive to listening to you, then you can continue talking.
At any point, if they interrupt or disagree listening to you, your best choice is to listen again to them. If you put aside, temporarily, your desire to explain your point of view, you can focus on understanding them, finding common ground and working together to improve the situation.
You might assume that both of you have contributed to the tension. In every conversation there will be two different realities about the facts. And at any one moment, every important conversation needs one active listener and one speaker.
If they are willing to listen to you, be brief when you speak. Although it may feel awkward, you will keep their attention by starting with what you feel and then stating your point. Then pause for a response before you get into any of your facts and opinions. Feeling statements can be expressed in three words, “I feel ....” Feelings are about emotions, like mad, glad and sad. “I feel we should try harder,” is not a feeling. After each brief comment you make, pausing gives them time to reply. This keeps others involved and receptive.
To keep listeners involved, you might include questions like, “Does what I am saying make sense?” Most people have a short attention span when they are listening. As well, they can be easily hooked and upset by something you say. When you keep focussed on your point, you are less likely to get distracted by some detail or some emotion.
When individuals reduce their fear of being criticized or blamed, they will be able to listen to you. In this way, anger, misunderstandings and bad feelings can be resolved.
As my friend Jack used to say, “If what you are doing now isn’t working, try something new.” And if you do, please write to let me know what happened.
Leslie
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Sometimes people act like adversaries as they disagree about someone else’s beliefs. During political discussions, commentators from opposing political beliefs often interrupt and make demeaning comments to each other like, “You are totally wrong about that.” Some TV listeners seem to thrive on these moments.
They enjoy the battle between the gladiators in the ring. They may be the same folks who love professional wrestling where choreographed violence draws big cheers from those in the stands who are looking for a winner and a loser.
If you simply want to get the facts straight consider this: Once two people begin disagreeing with each other, they can get stuck in the argument for hours, or days. As they argue they become more general and more adamant. Soon they are helplessly exaggerating their views to prevent wimping out and looking weak.
The alternative approach can be very appealing If the other person speaks first, let him or her be the speaker. Listen helpfully, mirroring back what you are hearing. Don’t get sucked in to the truth or falseness of their facts or opinions. Assume that when they know you are listening respectfully they will soften some of their extreme views or add some empathetic words anticipating your point of view. Rather than disagree with the speaker, consider becoming curious about their ideas and how they have reached their conclusions. By asking good questions, you can avoid arguing and build rapport.
If you are an effective listener, you can help your friends, co-workers and family members express their facts, feeling and point quickly. When they feel complete, they will pause. When they have paused, it may help to summarize what you have heard and then, appreciatively, say one thing that you like about what they have said. Then consider whether to express your views right away or at a later time.
I would like to hear your views.
Leslie
]]>As listeners, we may choose to remain silent because we have nothing to add or because we just prefer to be quiet. As well, we may remain silent to avoid interrupting a speaker.
But, when speakers interpret our silence as permission to keep talking, they tend to take longer to get to their point and they often lose our interest. When speakers interpret our silence as meaning we agree with what they are saying, they are often wrong. Frequently we are thinking about what we disagree with.
The concept of the sin of omission sheds light on the downside of being silent. The concept makes it clear that omitting to tell others when we disagree, or when we are confused, diminishes mutual understanding and respect. Some listeners are silent when speakers are slow to get to their point, when their values differ or when they are using silence to gain a competitive edge. These individuals are often silent or quick to argue. Simply put, most speakers need listeners who are willing to help them make their point and who are committed to finding common ground. And speakers also need listeners who are willing to understand the speakers’ views before being critical or questioning the validity of the speakers’ ideas.
Even when Barack Obama speaks, only those with similar values trust him and what he says. Others consistently listen to what Obama says but they draw very different conclusions.
With goodwill, listeners and speakers can overcome differences and find points in common ground and ways to work well together. Mediators are often needed to help individuals with different beliefs build rapport, reduce misunderstanding and decrease conflict.
To help speakers explain their ideas and make their point, effective listeners ask good questions. They also repeat back some of what they are hearing, to help speakers know that they are being understood. Effective listeners may ask, “Can you tell me more about…?” or, “Can you give me an example of how what you are saying fits with…?” They may repeat back what they are hearing using the words, “What I hear you saying is…”
When listeners are silent, speakers feel as if they are lost in a vacuum. When listeners are more actively involved, they make conversations more satisfying and more productive.
Yes, we do have the right to remain silent.
We also have the responsibility to contribute to the success of each conversation.
Leslie
That same day, Patricia wrote me back saying, “Taking charge of the conversation upfront in "yes-but" situations -- one of the best communication hints I've heard.”
Marta phoned that same day to say that she and several managers found the blog very helpful and could we talk about holding a seminar.
Today, I hope to be equally helpful on the subject of how to say “No” without being hurtful or offensive. When you say, “No” effectively you show more caring for others and you build trust and long-term cooperation.
Sometimes it's hard to say “No." Sometimes we can’t do what is requested and sometimes we just don’t want to. Imagine, for example, when replying to a boss who asks, “Can you work late tonight?” or a spouse who asks, “Do you mind doing the clean-up?” or a child who asks, “Can I stay up later tonight to watch TV?”
The gentler ways of saying “No” include,
Points to ponder
Saying “No” comfortably and helpfully reaps big rewards.
Write me with your thoughts.
Leslie
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Some people look for ways to disagree. They jump in to the conversation and respond to the speaker with, “Yes but…” Then they say something which often sidesteps the speaker’s point. One yes-but person said finding something to disagree with made her sound intelligent. Another said, yes-but was his way to join a conversation. When speakers are interrupted with yes-but, they often become defensive and repeat their point. This typically leads to an escalation of disagreeing and misunderstanding. Often a yes-but person can control a room full of people.
Years ago, I was attending in a seminar where we had a yes-but participant. Frequently, he would find something to disagree with and each time it happened the speakers would argue or become silent. By the time I had something to say, I was prepared. I began by framing what I had to say. “I’d like tell all of you about something that is very important to me. I promise to be brief. When I am finished, all I ask is that the first person to respond says one thing that they liked about what I have said.” Everyone burst out laughing. They knew what I was doing. Then I spoke briefly and to the point. Everyone was listening attentively. Then I paused. Everyone laughed again. The first person who responded said, “Leslie, one thing I like about what you just said is …“
Throughout the rest of the seminar, the yes-but participant refrained from disagreeing with anyone. I suspect that even he felt better off for the improved quality of the seminar and I suspect that not everyone knows how to be positive and helpful in a conversation.
There are two ways to give appreciation, appreciating others for what they have done and appreciating others just for who they are. Giving appreciation to others can sometimes be difficult. Others are often embarrassed by kind words and sometimes they are suspicious of your hidden motivation. I remember one manager at a pharmaceutical company being surprised to learn that sending a “thank you” by email was not nearly as satisfying to the individual as a hand written note or a “thank you” in person would have been.
A friend once told me how dissatisfied he felt the day after the party that he had hosted. He had invited the guests, cleaned the house, cooked the food, and clean up after. When his friends left, they thanked him for inviting them but he felt disappointed that no one called to say thanks the next day.
There are many little things we do for others each day. At home we may shop or clean or even wear something that we think will please others. We might not do it for praise, but we are nourished when someone says something sincere and heart-felt.
What can you say when giving appreciation?
I knew a human resources manager who started her day selecting two of her staff members and watching for things they did well during the day. When she saw something she would tell them. Her focus on appreciation made her feel more alert and more positive. Not surprisingly, teamwork and morale in her department was high.
Sometimes appreciation comes when a manager, or a company, holds annual meetings where awards are given out or employees are treated to social activities away from the office. Having pizza Friday is a welcome part of appreciating employees.
Fun seems to be an essential part of giving appreciation. In a humour seminar that I attended, participants are invited to interrupt the presenter at any time and ask others for a standing ovation. The interruptions were frequent and results were delightful.
Not all appreciation has to be given spontaneously. Just once, in a playful voice, would you consider asking someone for some appreciation? If so, tell them exactly what you would like to hear them say. You might try, “I sure would like to hear you tell me what I great job I just did.”
Giving and receiving appreciation makes it easier for each person to enjoy daily living. Is there anything which is keeping you from being a little more appreciative in the week ahead?
Write me with what you try in the week ahead. I will respond with some appreciation.
I would like to hear from you.
Leslie
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Ever since Barack began his bid for the presidency, he has been offering two invaluable gifts: Common Ground and Hope.
Before Barack, politics has always been about focussing on the differences between the liberals and conservatives. Politicians have been attracting voters by exaggerating differences and creating fear about what would happen if the other side were elected. Even now, when politicians from any of the political parties are interviewed on TV, they predictably speak the party line, give contradictory facts and avoid finding common ground. Recently, in Canada, our federal parliament has become hostile and dysfunctional. The adversarial approach has prevented cooperating and synthesizing good ideas, even on pressing issues like global warming and the economy.
Barack Obama’s view of life has been shaped by humble beginnings and his superior intellect. Early on, he created a career plan in order to achieve his goals. By the time he was a student and head of the Harvard Law Review, he found common interests with students who were conservatives and reformers, both white and black. It was not surprising that the blacks and the reformers had trouble trusting him. It was not normal to be comfortable with the whites and the conservatives. How could they trust that he would not sell out his values for personal gain? But those who produced the Harvard Law Review needed his bipartisan mindset to overcome their animosity and create an ability to work well together.
In recent years, in domestic and business disputes, some citizens have been successful, learning how to cooperate in order to find solutions, by using mediators. Mediators focus on helping individuals to listen to each other, to understand better and argue less. Several years ago, the Ontario government made it compulsory for divorcing couples to try mediation before considering the adversarial approach of lawyers and courts.
Barack has been elected President of the United States. His speeches have helped build trust and hope for millions of people around the world. Individuals are learning to think more about service to others and about finding solutions to common problems in a cooperative way.
Barack has opened the possibility that citizens can learn to focus more on cooperating and finding common ground. From my point of view, this means more individuals may chose to learn to listen empathetically. If they do, they will learn to help others express their opinions and learn more from those who have different points of view. As well, they will develop the skills to handle problems and find solutions that are better for everyone involved. When they are speaking, they will be brief and speak with respect to others. Employees will care more for the customers’ point of view. Listening to different points of view will lead to synthesizing ideas and achieving satisfying results.
Accepting Barack’s invitation: Thinking with the audacity of hope: Imagine a world where more people listen to and cooperate with others. Imagine a world where individuals are more responsible in business and government. Imagine a world where young people feel engaged and where husbands and wives and children bridge the gap of their differences and communicate easily with each other.
With a culture of competition in a world of conflict, how long can we live with hope? With leaders like Gandhi, Mandela, Tutu, Kennedy and Trudeau thousands have been motivated to live with more kindness and cooperation. This time, once again, the more individuals who participate actively in the vision, the more good things we will contribute to each other.
What effect has Obama had on you?
Leslie
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Forgiving them can help you let go of the burden of blaming them and looking for their other faults. If you succeed in forgiving them, you can stop being defensive, sarcastic or evasive when you are with them. And you can stop criticizing them in person and when you are with others.
Please write if you decide to forgive someone and let me know what happens.
Leslie