Looking ahead: Imagine living your life feeling happy and energized and loving what you do. You have become more sensitive to the needs of others while taking care of your own. You are productive without feeling rushed or imposed on by others. You are living with a strong sense of justice and you are willing to get involved to improve a situation. You are making lifestyle choices that help you to reach your potential and you aren’t overwhelmed by obstacles along the way. In the 1960s, psychologist, Dr. Abraham Maslow was interviewing happy and productive people. He called them self-actualizing individuals....
Before they are two, most children have heard their parents say ‘No’ and “Don’t do that” ten times more than they have heard, ‘Yes’ and “Would you like it better if we...?” Because we learn so much when we are very young, it is not surprising that many of us typically tell others what we don’t like and don’t want. Is this communication style helpful? Think of a married couple, where one spouse says “How many times do I have to tell you, I don’t like it when you leave your dirty socks in the living room.” Talking this...
I once was attending a training seminar where participants were encouraged to speak openly about their ideas. At one of the meetings, two participants kept responding to others by saying what they disagreed with. Everyone seemed to tolerate the argumentative behaviour, perhaps fearing they would become the target if they objected. At one point, I had something I wanted to say and I certainly did not want one of those two individuals to respond to me in their familiar way. So I began by framing what I had to say in order to achieve a positive end. I...
What’s your communication style? When it comes to being critical, do you often avoid criticizing others to avoid hurting their feelings? Or, when you are upset, do you criticize others, to make them feel bad too? Critical comments include, “You are always late… You never clean up your mess… Do you know how that makes me feel?”If you are dissatisfied with your current style, there are alternative things to say that you might try. Consider any of the following: “I am feeling angry… I want to regain my trust with you… I would like 2 minutes to tell you what’s on...
Our culture seems to teach us that it is okay jump in and disagree when someone gets his facts wrong. It seems common to interrupt to tell the speaker something like “It wasn’t Thursday, it was Wednesday. When we are distracted by correcting a speaker’s fact, we are missing his point. As a result, trust is broken and the relationship gets strained. Sometimes people act like adversaries as they disagree about someone else’s beliefs. During political discussions, commentators from opposing political beliefs often interrupt and make demeaning comments to each other like, “You are totally wrong about that.” Some...
When listeners are silent, speakers feel as if they are lost in a vacuum. When listeners are more actively involved, they make conversations more satisfying and more productive.
Last time, I wrote you about how to respond to co-workers or friends who say, “Yes but…” That same day, Patricia wrote me back saying,
“Taking charge of the conversation upfront in "yes-but" situations -- one of the best communication hints I've heard.” Marta phoned that same day to say that she and several managers found the blog very helpful and could we talk about holding a seminar. Today, I hope to be equally helpful on the subject of how to say “No” without being hurtful or offensive. When you say, “No” effectively you show more caring for others and...
Some people look for ways to disagree. They jump in to the conversation and respond to the speaker with, “Yes but…” Then they say something which often sidesteps the speaker’s point. One yes-but person said finding something to disagree with made her sound intelligent. Another said, yes-but was his way to join a conversation. When speakers are interrupted with yes-but, they often become defensive and repeat their point. This typically leads to an escalation of disagreeing and misunderstanding. Often a yes-but person can control a room full of people.Years ago, I was attending in a seminar where we had a yes-but participant. Frequently, he would find something to disagree...
In most social situations we see lots of smiles and hear lots of laughter.Often the smiling and laughing provide relief from the emotional pressures of daily routines and the challenges of interacting with others. Humour helps keep the situation in perspective.To communicate effectively with humour we use voice intonation, puns, rhymes, surprises, gentle teasing, eye-catching outfits, funny gestures, clever questions and insightful comments. Sometimes we organize fun activities.When we add humour to what we say, we increase cooperation and we ensure improvements in morale and teamwork. With humour we accept ourselves and accept others.Much of what...
In my communication seminars, I often ask participants if they feel they receive enough appreciation. They always answer “No.” When individuals feel unappreciated, their self-esteem goes down, their energy diminishes and their motivation to work well with others is lost. There are two ways to give appreciation, appreciating others for what they have done and appreciating others just for who they are. Giving appreciation to others can sometimes be difficult. Others are often embarrassed by kind words and sometimes they are suspicious of your hidden motivation. I remember one manager at a pharmaceutical company being surprised to learn that sending...