Last time, I wrote you about how to respond to co-workers or friends who say, “Yes but…”

That same day, Patricia wrote me back saying, 
“Taking charge of the conversation upfront in "yes-but" situations -- one of the best communication hints I've heard.”

Marta phoned that same day to say that she and several managers found the blog very helpful and could we talk about holding a seminar.

Today, I hope to be equally helpful on the subject of how to say “No” without being hurtful or offensive. When you say, “No” effectively you show more caring for others and you build trust and long-term cooperation.

Sometimes it's hard to say “No." Sometimes we can’t do what is requested and sometimes we just don’t want to. Imagine, for example, when replying to a boss who asks, “Can you work late tonight?” or a spouse who asks, “Do you mind doing the clean-up?” or a child who asks, “Can I stay up later tonight to watch TV?”

The gentler ways of saying “No” include,

• “Because I have an appointment after work, I can help you now by asking others if they are available to stay late.”
• “Because I have an appointment after work, I would be willing to do it early tomorrow.”
• “I would be pleased to do the clean-up for you if you would do ... for me.”
• “I really would like to help you, if I didn’t have a rush deadline.”
• “I feel bad about not being able to help you, but maybe I can help you next time.”
• “I’ll tell you what I can do, I can record it tonight and we can watch it together tomorrow. How does that sound?”

Points to ponder

• When we feel bad about saying “No” we are often afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.
• We are not responsible for how others respond.
• Most individuals will gain respect for us if we are not afraid to say “No” sometimes.
• When we reply in an assertive voice, it is helpful to you and to the other person
• When we reply in an angry or timid voice, it is very unhelpful
• When we are brief, we help to keep the conversation focussed
• When others react by looking hurt, it may be simply a manipulation to make us feel guilty
• If others repeat their request, it is still a manipulation, and you can, without guilt, decline again
• With some people, humour can help find an effective way to say, “No”
   
  • “You want me to what?”
  • “Let’s make a deal.”
  • “I am open to being bribed.”

Saying “No” comfortably and helpfully reaps big rewards.
Write me with your thoughts.
 
Leslie