Before they are two, most children have heard their parents say ‘No’ and “Don’t do that” ten times more than they have heard, ‘Yes’ and “Would you like it better if we...?” Because we learn so much when we are very young, it is not surprising that many of us typically tell others what we don’t like and don’t want.
Is this communication style helpful? Think of a married couple, where one spouse says “How many times do I have to tell you, I don’t like it when you leave your dirty socks in the living room.” Talking this way does not change his or her behaviour. Saying what one does not like, does not spell out the benefits of changing the offending behaviour and it leaves the complaining spouse open to being called a nag.
Why do others say and do things that they know will annoy you? Sometimes it is hard to change personal habits Sometimes it is part of pushing back when they feel pushed. Sometimes, they say things that will annoy you because the only consequence is that you whine for two minutes and they enjoy getting something off their chest. So what is their motivation to change?
Every Sunday morning before leaving the house. my mother used to whine at my father to hurry up or they would be late. One day I asked her if she would like to try saying something more effective. She replied that it was his fault for the problem and so it was not up to her to change.
It may be hard to get someone to change but if you are curious enough to try, you might find you feel better saying what you do want rather than what you don’t want.
Of course, if you are already getting the response that you want, don’t change. Keep doing what works.
I would be pleased to hear from you.
Leslie
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